A Letter to U….. Mila’s Story

Dear U:

There is nothing beautiful about uneven jagged cuts that burn on a body that is trying to survive in/with a mind that wants so badly for it to die. There is nothing cute about feeling so numb and trapped in your own mind that you feel the only way to feel something or even nothing at all is to take a pill, or drag a blade across your skin or to hold a lighter to your flesh.. It isn’t cute, it doesn’t make you unique or quirky. Mental illness shouldn’t be a trend, there shouldn’t be this need to crave these things because it’s fucked up and it sucks. Feeling that the only way you can feel something or nothing at all by dragging that blade across your skin or taking that pill fucking sucks. It kills you inside with each slice and pill.

There’s nothing cute about wanting the demons in your mind to stop just for a minute and only being able to do that by taking a pill or making that cut just make it all better for the night.

There’s nothing cute about being so numb or in so much pain that you feel the only way to survive is by slicing up your delicate flesh and seeing red. We suffer. We don’t harm ourselves because we want to, we do it so that we can survive, so that we can cope and stay alive… So please don’t mistake that for being cute or for it making you unique. There’s nothing cute about showers that burn because your body is covered in wounds that have yet to heal. It’s not fun to wear long sleeves and pants when the sun is scorching but you can’t bear to see what you’ve done and allow others to see the amount of pain that you are in.

It’s okay to be in a dark place at times, its about not getting stuck in all that bullshit. What helped me was understanding what was going on for me and reaching out to others for support.

You need to let someone know what is happening. I know it sounds cliché but I had to remember that this is not forever and that I will be okay.Since writing this I have returned to school studying in the Child and Youth Care program so that I can help others who might feel the same way I did.

If you are feeling this way please reach out to someone. I can tell you it makes a difference.  I know that I am a strong woman with tons to give!


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